LOTR Funnies!
by Darkaus
Summary: Anything that can go wrong will, and anything that can't go wrong will,And we get to sit back and laugh at them! What will the people of Mordor do once the movies are done being filmed? Chapter 2 features Veggie tales song!
1. Default Chapter

The call of the fellbeasts came from the skies, the fumes of mt. doom blotted out the sun. At the top of the dark tower Sauron and the Mouth were watching reruns of The Lord of the Rings movies. Sauron averted his eye.

**That… was very embarrassing…**

The Mouth tried not to chuckle.

…**I look like an electric current being shut off!**

The Mouth covered the only part of his face showing, (The Mouth) and chuckled a little louder.

…**Look! Even when I had my full armor my death was silly!**

The mouth couldn't help it, "PPpppppHahahahhaaaha! My lord, perhaps you need more practice at dying! Ops!" the Mouth left the tower. Sauron smoldered, bloodshot eye narrowed.

…**I'm going to barbeque his but.**

Frodo and Sam were taking a walk in the volcano when they stumbled on Murazor, reclining on a rock, and reading a magazine. "Mr. Frodo… do you think we should…"

Frodo nodded.

"Oh yes Sam, we must."

Both hobbits crept closer, The wraith suspected nothing. Slowly, Frodo moved around the back, holding a pointy stick. Sam crept about the front, holding a picture of Eowyn's Sword.

They struck, Frodo whacked hard behind the knee while Samwise put the picture in his face.

…. …

_...SSSSSSsssssssCCCCCCCCCccccccccRRRRRRRrrrEEEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeeCCCCCCCccccHHHHHHH!_

The Witchking ran out of the mountain, magazine forgotten in his blind panic. Both hobbits followed after, laughing and chanting in high pitched voices, "I am no man!"

Khamul sighed as Murazor ran past_. …We need him to see a psychiatrist…_ The Mouth of Sauron fled past as well. _…And… he needs Eye insurance… _There came a loud explosion, the mountain shuddered_. …And pretty soon, we'll all need first aid…SSssssiiighhh… _

One fellbeast looked at the other. "You know, I've been thinking about taking a vacation now that the movies are over." The other one raised its head, "Oh really? Anywhere in particular?" Murazor ran past, still shrieking.

"…I was thinking about someplace quiet…"


	2. Fellowship who Don't do Anything!

The Mouth sat in a chair, looking burnt. The Eye, if eyes can smile, was doing so. "So my lord, now that we are done watching the movies, what now?" Sauron looked down at him, the fiery eye squinted.

**I…had not thought that far ahead.**

The Mouth rubbed his rump, "Might I suggest something?" Sauron raised a giant flaming eyebrow.

**Ask away.**

The mouth chuckled, "It could be entertaining to introduce some music to this place."  
The Eye widened, shuddered…

(inside the mind of the Eye…)

Announcer/The Mouth: "And now its time we join that crazy fellowship known better as the people who don't do anything! Let's listen as they sing, a silly song!"

Theme music playing, the fellowship comes into sight.

Legolas: "Hahahaha! Eat Elvin arrow, Orc!"  
Gimli: "I think he's taking you literally elf…"  
Boromir: "Can we go home now!"  
Aragorn: "No."

Gandalf: "Oh I…  
Never dyed my hair white,  
And I never wandered at night,  
And I never beat the Balrog,(He is living in St. Paul)  
And I never fought a Ringwraith,  
And I never watched a line break,  
And I never wanted to save the world at all…"

All: "Cause we're the fellowship! Who don't do anything!  
We just stand here, or lye around!  
So when they asked us…to destroy the ring,  
We just asked them,  
…what's with you and that thing?"

Nazgul: _You think "You" did a lot of nothing?_

Fellowship: "Yeah!"

Nazgul: _Well, we did more nothing than you did!_

Fellowship: "Oh yeah!"

Nazgul: _Yeah!_

Witch King: _Oh I…  
__Never was an old king,  
__And I never chased the Halfling,  
__And I never lived in Mordor (Cause the tower's to darn tall!)  
__And I never rode a fellbeast,  
__Or recruited from the Far East,  
__And I never wandered under Sauron's thrall!_

Ringwraiths: _Cause we're the Nazgul! Who don't do anything!  
__We just stand here, or lye around!  
__When our lord told us…to go retrieve the ring,  
__We just told him,  
_…_Ya shouldn't have lost the thing!_

Frodo randomly coming in: "Oh I…  
Never licked a kick ball,  
And I never drove a long hall,  
And I never ate my crayons,(I prefer to draw and scrawl!)  
And I never ate a pot roast,  
And I never played an Inn host,  
And I never meant to save the world at…"

Witch King:_ Wait, hold it a minute! What does any of that have to do with LOTR?_

Gandalf: "And what are crayons…?"

Witch King: _Crayons? That's nonsense! What are you doing hobbit?_

Frodo: "Well, I'm representing the third party, the not entirely good/bad guys. See, I started good, but than the Ring won me, so I guess I'm half and half…"

Gandalf: "…just let him sing, he has to stop sooner or later."

Witch king: _…Later? _

Frodo: "Here we go!  
Oh I never won a bag race,  
And I never stood on my face,  
And I never swam the ocean,(I'm a hobbit for peat's sake!)  
And I never started in spring…  
On a quest, to destroy, the One Ring…"

Samwise:"…You just don't get it Mr. Frodo…"

All: And we never meant to save the world at all!

(Back to reality)

The mouth looked up at the angry, fiery, Eye above him. "…My lord? EEEP!" he fled as flames chased him from the tower.

**I knew you would be the stupid one! You lost me the war!**


	3. Not a good day for the Mouth

The mouth of Sauron was not having a good day. After getting his but barbequed and then being chased out ofthe towerby an irate evil Eye, he was quickly regretting his decision to remain in Mordor. (I could have gone back to the studios, I could have been placed in another movie! But no! I had to be the only loyal servant of Mordor!) Murazor ran past, still shrieking. (…Well… the only SANE loyal servant of Mordor…)

With a sigh he sank down upon a volcanic stone, wincing. "Why are they so noisy? Mortals aren't that noisy! I hardly consider this an improvement." A shuffling of cloth not far off, Saurumon sat down beside the mouth looking in much better spirits. "Why are you in such a great mood? Your dead, you shouldn't be happy." Saurumon shrugged, "…I don't know. I think the tie-dye robes just do this to me. How are you?" The mouth sighed. "…I've been better, before I got my buttocks barbequed and my body broken to tiny bits as I fell down all six hundred and sixty six steps of the dark tower, I was having a pretty good day." Saurumon cleared his throat. "Well, things can only get better, right?" The Mouth shook his head, "Not by the direction this fanfick is going… now I have a migraine as well… stupid Nazgul…"

Saurumon sat back with a thoughtful look, "…I have always wondered why they shriek…"

Why they shriek:

Sauron stood between his Nazgul and the fellbeasts, if they could have seen his face just then; they would have seen his grimace. One large one was drooling on his armored shoe of mighty armored shoe-ness-es…stuff.**_ "Now, it's really very simple. All you do is come over here, choose one, feed it, and tomorrow we progress from there! Any questions?" _**A snicker near the back, one gingerly raised his gauntlet. "Yes Indur…what is it?" The wraith shuffled his feat, not a good sign... _My lord… says perhaps…we, we… um… dislike heights? _Sauron raised an eyebrow. **_"…Dislike heights." _**Indur nodded rapidly. Khamul snickered, raised Indur over his head, and before the other could even shriek threw him onto one of the creature's backs! The beast launched from the ground, and the wail of the terrified Nazgul echoed back from the sky.

"…**_Khamul, was that entirely necessary…?"_** The wraith shrugged helplessly. _Cannot be helped my lord…tis my nature. _The other wraiths were struggling to keep a strait face. That collapsed when Murazor threw Khamul up as well, and a second shriek of horror met their ears. Sauron sighed, **_"…and your excuse?"_** Murazor grinned.

…_I plead temporary insanity…_ Sauron shook his head and walked off. **_"Temporary he says? Shmeufpurgashmnmnmng…."_** Uvatha turned to the others once the scary dark lord of too-much-armor-and-not-enough-screen-time was gone.

…_So…we calling it a day? _Momentary silence, then mass agreement as the wraiths turned to go. One fellbeast looked at another, then another, evil evilness glinting in their eyes. They swooped upon the wraiths.

Thus it became legend in Mordor that all the wraiths shrieked.

Saurumon shook his head, "Do you honesty think I'm going to believe that?" The mouth just shrugged, "Why not? This is a silly place."


	4. The pain of a name, or lack of one!

Khamul and Indur were playing cards, Dwar and Akhorahil were racing calamari, (The snails had fried in the heat.) and Ren was learning from Adunaphel how to snap his fingers, (Which was going slower than the snail race.) Indur looked up, _…Oh damn…_ The others all looked at him. _…We're missing three, and I've forgotten two of their names again_! Khamul dropped his hand. _…Are you serious_…? Indur glared at him. _…Is it my fault all our parents were sadistic to give us such complicated names! Let's see you do better! Right now! Name of all the Nazgul! _Khamul shook his head_, …This is ridiculous… hmmm…_

…_Me, you, them, and the one's not here. Done.  
_Indur: _That's cheating Khamul! All the names! Common!  
_Khamul: _fine! Fine! Me, Murazor, Ren, Dwar, you, Akhorahil, Dwar… wait…  
_Ren: …_me, Khamul, Indur, Dwar, Murazor, Adunaphel, me…  
_Akhorahil:_…me? …um…me?  
_Indur:_ …Murazor, me, Khamul, Dwar… gotta love a name like Dwar. Ren…  
_Adunaphel: _…Khamul. Murazor, Indur, Dwar?Uvatha…_  
Indur: _Uvatha! That's who I was forget…darn! One more! There's nine of us!  
_Khamul:_ ...Uvatha, you, me, Dwar, Akhorahil, Murazor… where is he anyway?  
_Indur:_ don't know, he's not in this skit._

Hoarmurath:_ …What are you all doing?  
_

ALL: _Hoarmurath! That makes Nine!  
_Hoarmurath: … ? …

Indur: …_well there you go, that's everyone! Finnaly…_ Khamul nodded, then looked around. _…oh damn._ All stare at him. _…Now I can't remember all the elves names!_

Murazor finally came to a stop somewhere outside the black gate. He stood, winded, took a deep breath, and fell over. _…this is not… a good day… for pride…_ A shuffling of feet, an Orc patrol guard looked down in surprise. "Back already m'lord? You were just here five minutes ago!" Murazor nodded._ …your right… it does all look five minutes older… can I have a word with you? _The orc nodded and sat down. "Something on your mind m'lord?" Murazor nodded_, …I have been thinking… that middle earth is very boring when no one is in character, and wondering how we've kept a plot going this long… _the orc blinked, "Whoa! Slow down! My species isn't known for its intelligence, and you're untangling the very threats that hold our world together!" Murazor hissed in a bored manner. _…I mean, really, would the dark lord of Mordor ever say, "I'm gonna barbeque his butt!" no. he would not, I would know._

The orc nodded. "Yeah, so that's a tad far fetched… At the same time the Mouth is being annoying and Saurumon seems to have become a hippy, but what can you do? Here, maybe this will cheer you up!" the orc pulled out a sombrero and dropped it on the nazgul's back. "Knock yourself out! …oh, and by the way… um…when you get up, try reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally…GASP! Reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally hard NOT to look at what you've been lying in." The orc walked swiftly away. The wraith lord stared after him for a moment, looked at the sombrero, looked at what he'd been lying in…

…

… …

… … … …_SSSSSSsssssssCCCCCCCCCccccccccRRRRRRRrrrEEEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeeCCCCCCCccccHHHHHHH!_

_Ooooooooohhhhhhh! aaaaaarrrrghhhhhhh! Iiiiicccckkkkkkkk!_

_YYyyYYYYYYYyyyyUUUUuuuuuUUUCCCCcccccK! … … …oh… oh my throat… owie… _

_...I hate comedy…_


End file.
